Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
When are you due back in heaven?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
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