A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
"Bone to be wild."
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
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