That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
You’re right up my alley.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
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