If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
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