"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Go big or go gnome.
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Dublin over in laughter.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
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