“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck

What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones

Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.

Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.

Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.

Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!

Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.

One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.

Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.

What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"

Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.

"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."

My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.

Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."

It's a-boat time for a holiday!

What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.

What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!

I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.

"For peep's sake."

Help me score one more time for team Canada?

I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack

You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.

Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml

Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.

What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.

Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.

Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!