“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I like you sow much.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
I love you from my head tomato
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
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