My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Keep calm and leprech-on.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Go to BabaMail
