“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
You're my missing ingredient.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
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