What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
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