“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
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