Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Distill my beating heart.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
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