So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Time to spruce things up.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
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