What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
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