There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
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