I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Go to BabaMail
