"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
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Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
You set my heart bonfire.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
I find my core strength in you.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
You had me at ruff.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
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