Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
You knead me in your loaf.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
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