What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Goat milk?
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
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