What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
You mermake me happy.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
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