What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
You're one in a melon.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
I’m very frond of you.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
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