Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
The weather outside is snow joke.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
You mermake me happy.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
All you need is MY love
Irish food is legen-dairy.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Go to BabaMail
