"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
People are always after me lucky charms.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Girl you are rocking this run.
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