I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
I always have a souper time with you.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Let's do lunge together
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
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