Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
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