Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Believe in your elf.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
I bet you’re really flexible.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
This is snow laughing matter!
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
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