What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
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