Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
One trick peony.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
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