I bet you I could stop gambling.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Leave poetry to the prose.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
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