You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!

Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.

Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.

Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.

“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”

– Deirdre Sullivan

What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee

What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!

Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.

"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."

"Which instructions?"

"Yeah, they're the ones."

What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.

Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.

The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.

What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV

What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!

My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."

What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.

What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!

What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde

I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.

What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."

What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

Knock knock.
Come in.

What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.

Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.

What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.

Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!

What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.

What is the collective noun for cars?

Pack of cars.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.