An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
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