We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
It takes one to snow one.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
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