Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Stay true to your shelf.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
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