This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
"Bone to be wild."
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
I love your energy.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Whatever coats your boat.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
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