My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
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