"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
I cannoli have eyes for you.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
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