Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
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