Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
More candles means a bigger wish!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
I love you and I ain’t lion.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
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