Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
You set my heart bonfire.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
You're one in a melon.
Poor white splash.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Wear green, or leaf.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
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