You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
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