Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
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