“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Your treat or mine?
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
We make a great pear
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
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