What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
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