If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
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