How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
I told you snow.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
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