In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
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