How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
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