Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
I can sea clearly now.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
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