I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Up to snow good.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Go to BabaMail
