What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Wish upon a starfish.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
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