What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
You had me at cello.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I get a real kick out of you.
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