“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
Go to BabaMail
