What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
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