What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
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