I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
It's ice to meet you.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
A round of Santa-plause, please.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
It was mitten in the stars.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
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