There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
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