A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
The sun is just a big space heater.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
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