What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
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