"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
You have a pizza my heart.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
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