I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"You can't sip with us."
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Avoid pier pressure.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Go to BabaMail
