Reading is a novel idea.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
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